I grew up in an affluent suburb of Boston.  We had good public schools and libraries.  However, my mother was divorced and a single-mother.  We were lucky – we had a home, plenty of food, and clothes.  What we didn’t have was a vacation house on the Cape or ski trips at Christmas, or designer shoes, or a fancy car.   I always felt a bit out of step in school where I was not only different because I was Japanese-American in a primarily white community, but I also was not able to keep up with the Jones – not that I even tried.    

Now I am in a couple of cycling clubs.  One in particular has a large population of competitive racers.  (I am a racer wanna-be.)    I was at a social event with this club and found myself feeling like I did in high school when my friends talked about their European vacations.  At this social people were talking about their powertaps and coaches and VO2 testing.  Things at this point I can’t afford.   I felt a bit out of place.  I have a nice bike (more than one if the truth be told), but I don’t have all the high-end expensive accessories.  I wondered if I belonged there?  I wondered if I could compete without these tools?

Cycling, and racing in particular, is an expensive sport.  At a minimum, you need a racing bike, a cyclo-computer, a kit, and a helmet.  This alone, would cost you around $3500, at a minimum.  Then there is the cost of the race entry fees, the racing license, etc. . .   This all adds up to quite a bit of money.  And from this point, there are many other tools that one could purchase to help with training and competing such as a heart rate monitor, a powertap, a coach, a bike fitting, VO2 testing, race wheels, and more.  The sport really caters to people with a lot of expendable income – which is not me. 

I ride.  I ride a lot.  I ride hard.  I am training with the guidance of books and friends.  I am lucky to have what I do.  For instance, my partner bought me race wheels for the winter holidays.  It was a wonderful gift and I am looking forward to riding them when the weather improves.  But I have to ask myself can someone like me be accepted into a club where it seems most folks have a lot more resources to spend on cycling?    

I know for me, I have to get over the feeling that I am not quite good enough because I don’t have enough.  This is my baggage.  What I have is not a reflection of my worth as a person, or cyclist.  What I have does not reflect my ability to ride.  What I have does not make me a good team member.  I have to remember that I bring to the club my skills as a rider and teacher and I think that there is a place for me, even without a powertap or a coach.    I know that part of my task is to make that place for myself.  It is a personal challenge to confront my own sense of inadequacy to realize that a lot of what I am comparing myself to is window dressing.  What is at the core is a love of riding and a drive to be the best cyclist I can be.  This is what I share with the other club members.

In this life time, I know that I will always feel on the margins of the mainstream.   Being a mixed heritage Japanese-American woman alone, makes me feel that way.  However, I don’t really mind and know there is a kind of power on the margin.  From the margin, I can speak a different truth and walk my own path – the one less travelled.    I can know that I am enough and bring my strengths to the team and the club, without apologies.  What makes a good cyclist, is not the extras.  It is combination of ability, tenacity, discipline and drive that makes a good cyclist – and none of these things can one buy.