I have struggled with depression for much of my life. Now is no exception.  Anyone who has experienced clinical depression knows that it is easy to get overwhelmed and paralyzed when one feels down.  It is very hard to get motivated and mobilized to DO anything — even things that you normally like to do.

My depression is a huge obstacle to my training.  There are some days that I can’t manage to complete my training regime or can’t even get started.  And some days, I need to listen to my body and my psyche and take a break and other times I am learning that I need to push through.

I think of new green shoots in spring pushing up through the soil.  It looks like growing must be hard work.  They are so new and fragile and the soil is so dense.  Similarly, when I am depressed I am a fragile being who has to push through the darkness to move.

It was like that yesterday.  I was really down and not sure what I could manage to do.  I had a yoga lesson scheduled and it was a nice day outside, the first in eons.  However, what I felt like doing was crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and calling it a day.  I decided that it would be better to try to get to yoga even if it meant I cried the whole time.  (My teacher is sensitive and supportive and was okay with my mood.)  I went to yoga, got out of the house, learned some new poses, and got moving.  It took monumental effort to get there.  After yoga, I managed to get on the bicycle too.  I told myself that I only had to go out for a half hour and if I felt too bad I could turn around.  I also knew no one would be looking at me while riding and if I cried no one would notice or care.  I ended up riding an hour or so.

Knowing when to push through and when to focus on comfort is critical.  I have pushed when it would have been better to just rest.  I usually end up feeling worse at those times.  But many times, pushing through the darkness allows a little light to come in.  I think when I can push myself without judgment and without investment in the outcome, then I do better.  If I start and can’t finish, well at least I started.  Attitude toward how I am pushing through is key.  If I can stay gentle and compassionate with myself, then I can challenge myself without the backlash of condemnation should I not be able to do that which I set out to do.

I know this will be an ongoing struggle and staying open, present, and compassionate with myself (and others) is critical to managing those dark times.